Action Movies

There’s a kind of action movie called the “shoot ’em up.” These are the movies where you’ve got this one guy that goes through some tragedy ranging from their family being killed to a minor insult, and that results in this protagonist gunning down an impossible number of people. These people that get slaughtered in these films, I think some of them are the most interesting characters. These people have got to be more interesting than the protagonist: Chad Everyman, or Buddy Normalguy, or whatever his name is. But these movies never explore these other characters. I mean, come on. An eastern European woman in black leather armed with crazy exploding boomerangs has to have some kind of rich back story. You can’t get an associate’s degree in that. She’s at least gotta be handy, right? You can’t buy exploding boomerangs anywhere these days (they used to be found in toy stores, next to the Jarts). She has to make those. That’s talent. Let’s learn more about that. Did she apprentice with an ancient order of boomerang crafting monks in central Chile? How’d she get from there to being a bodyguard/fixer for a guy that accidentally looked funny at Biff Churchdeacon?

And what about henchman #3? This guy’s got no lines, and he’s got four seconds of screen time because henchman #1 and #2 are killed first in the same scene. This is the guy that rushes into the room because there are screams and gunshots going on. He’s got a gun out, but it’s pointed at the ground. And he just barges right in. He doesn’t waste time waiting at the door and trying to assess the situation before running in. No, that’s not what henchman #3’s all about. Henchman #3 just rushes in. I think there’s a reason for that. I think there’s some interesting story there. You see, when henchman #3 is in that other room, off set, and he hears all of the commotion, he pulls his gun and looks at the door. His thought at that moment is… Someone brought donuts. Because, for the past few months that henchman #3’s been working with the syndicate, whenever a series of gunshots are coming from a room, it has only meant one thing. Donuts. You see, in the syndicate, when you get a free donut and you want to express your gratitude, you fire your gun into the ceiling. This is actually why the syndicate had to move from that high rise downtown to this single story warehouse on the outskirts. So henchman #3’s thinking he’s got to beat henchman #4, #5, and #6 to the donuts so that he can get an apple fritter if there are any. #6 loves fritters too, so it’s a real concern. That’s why he rushes through that door with a big grin on his face, and starts looking around in confusion. Where’s the donut smell? There’s something wrong here. Then Chuck Relatable opens fire, killing henchman #3 and his blood splashes back on the door. And henchman #4, #5, and #6 all see that. They still rush in anyway, appearing even less prepared to fight then henchman #3. They think that there’s been some kind of accident with the donut celebration shootings. Like, someone tripped while trying to unload a clip into a fluorescent light fixture. They’re rushing in because they think someone needs medical assistance. Henchman #5’s got CPR certification, and #6 used to be a volunteer fireman. They’re here to help. Until Joe Archetype cuts #4 in half with a machete the long way, beheads #6 with a kicked piece of glass, and Mortal Combat’s #5’s heart out.

And how do they handle the crime scene investigation and medical examinations when the dust has settled? When you’ve got like 400 bodies, all of which died under suspicious circumstances, the police have got to farm some of that work out. Who’s handling the logistics of all that? Is it a quirky, twenty-something woman with pink dyed hair? You know she’s got some struggles of her own. She’s doing night school to get her law degree, and she has been following up on leads from her grandfather’s unsolved serial killer cold case. She didn’t need to have to deal with all these corpses. But she handles it. She even gives all of the ones that can’t be easily identified quirky temporary nicknames. She’s got to keep things light folks. She’s got to. Because recent evidence that she’s uncovered points to a secret cult being involved in her grandfather’s murder, and she’s got to get to the bottom of it. Lots of story there folks. Does she suspect that Rex Commonhobbies had something to with it? Is that why he mercilessly gunned down all of these people? Will they start off as rivals and later buddy up against the cult when it becomes apparent that despite her love for alternative music, she really has a lot in common with Tucker Proforma?

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